For several years, I didn’t believe in prayer; or rather, I didn’t believe prayer made any difference. I had prayed for dear friends dying of cancer and they seemed to die faster. I had prayed that I would sin less and be a kinder and more “other-centered” person and my egocentricity seemed to continue unabated. I had recited the Lord’s Prayer in the same way that I said the Pledge of Allegiance. I gave thanks at meals because everyone expected that, but I rarely felt a connection to God or a sense of gratefulness to God.
What was the point? There seemed to be lots of beautiful words being spoken, but no transformation was occurring.
In 2007, my world began falling a part. Devastating illnesses all around me, lost jobs and financial ruin seemed to be closing in around me. I did still believe that God loved me. So, I turned to God. I came to him with nothing, but empty hands. No words. Only tears.
Amazingly, God began doing things in my life and the lives of those around me. Healing, financial generosity, friends bring us meals and my heart was being transformed. Spiritual transformation does not result from fixing our problems. It results from turning to God in the midst of them and meeting God just where we are. Turning to God is the core of prayer.
Slowly, I began to pray about everything. Not with special language, but like a conversation. I began to make a connection between the Jesus of the Gospels and the Jesus I was meeting in prayer. Today, some 8 years later, talking to Jesus is the sweetest part of my day and the deepest love of my heart.
I never expected this to happen. If you don’t believe prayer makes any difference, I understand. If you don’t believe that God can transform your life or the lives of those around you, I understand. My testimony is simple. Bring God your tears and unbelief and see what he does.
